Need A Screwdriver? Or Just A Screw?
"Yo Daddy let you date?" |
If anything distances this season’s American Idol show from years past it might well be the sheer
industry-ready professionalism of the top contestants. There’s no doubt all of
them can sing, and most can work a stage. They all look pretty polished too.
Actually, it’s kind of neat to cast one’s mind back to the days when
contestants could dress themselves, picked songs by themselves, and didn’t get
squat in terms of vocal coaching. It was a hot mess, and we kinda liked it
because against all odds quirky no-hopers made it through on who-knows-what
vote.
But it’s been steadily improving to the point where winning
isn’t necessarily the best prize. Let’s face it: all of the top six at least
will get record deals right out of the gate, as have some very successful Idol
runner-ups in recent years. Kelli Pickler and Chris Daughtry have pretty solid
careers.
Phillip Phillips, so good they named him twice |
The idea of a professional safety net has meant that
although no-one wants to go home and leave the fun (and grueling schedule)
behind, their goodbye performances are now as good as encores, delivered with
confidence rather than warbling tears. When Skylar Laine took the stage for the
last time (as an active contestant), she gave it some wellie taking on Miranda
Lambert’s “Gunpowder and Lead,” singing about going home to get her shotgun. A
lot of folks might think she’s getting extra redneck on them as a parting shot,
but Country music fans know this song inside out and recognize Skylar’s
well-chosen (but predictable) model.
This song has never been sung with such a beaming smile. Completely inappropriate.
Clearly the two best singers (if that’s what we’re still
judging here) in the competition are Joshua Ledet and Jessica Sanchez, whose
performances drip with technical ability and showmanship, remarkable for their
tender ages. But both are flawed: Jessica is simply too young to know better
when it comes to delivering mature songs the right way, so that many of her
performances look like highly competent talent show drills. Joshua can bring it
when he’s singing, but when he’s not he’s a charisma vacuum, who looks
considerably embarrassed to be on TV, especially around other men (his
insistent avoidance of any physical contact with Phillip after their duet was
painful to watch). The Inky Jukebox
suggests this is because he is sensitive to the gay rumors that have followed
him — mostly fueled not by his touching other men, but by his wardrobe choices
and general mincing.
Did it get hot in here?
Hollie Cavanaugh, the petite blonde fireracker with a
disarmingly bizarre accent, though no stranger to the bottom three, has managed
to slip through. Whether this is because she sings just well enough, or that
people are rooting for her in the derby between Joshua and Jessica as the
plucky gee-gee who could pip them to the post is anybody’s guess. People who
recognize her parent’s accents will know that hers is a wrestling match between
Scouse and South which might never come to a decision. At least it goes away
when she sings.
Well, hello |
But this post isn’t about those guys. It’s about the Dark
Horse Phillip Phillips, the guitar-playing wunderkind whose eschewal of Tommy Hilfiger’s
fashion advice has served him well. Sure, his singing is a kind of growling,
and he is lauded as a musician’s musician, but some people wonder why he’s
still in the competition. This is because they are either straight men or
tweens. The reason Phil Phillips never gets a seat in the bottom three is
because grown-ass women think he’s hot. And he is. He looks like a young Steve
McQueen. He has that charming drawl and uses it to say things like “What’s yo
number? Your Daddy let you date?” The reason people are voting for him is
because they just want to see him on their TVs another week. The Inky Jukebox does.
Don't look down. OK, look down. You know you can't resist. |
The criticism TV talent shows get is that they are simply
popularity contests, not ways to measure actual talent. Since all of the
contestants have actual talent, and heaps of it, popularity is all we have left
to go on. And popularity, as everyone knows, comes down to good looks. American
Idol has been under the gun because for several years mildly gifted but
decent-looking dudes have won. Mostly, they have used their win to disappear
quietly and never be heard from again. The
Inky Jukebox hopes that this doesn’t happen to Phillip. It’s entirely
possible that Joshua and Jessica will cancel each other out leaving him holding
the bouquet.
And when they do, he can bring it with him on that date yo
Daddy doesn’t want you to go on, because you know what happens on dates like
that. They never get off the bed backseat sofa table
stairs ground.