American Idol Week 5

Coming to a Famous Hall Near You…

Since it is clear that all of this year’s finalists can sing (for better or worse), it behooves us to consider other aspects of their worthiness for the hallowed American Idol crown. Therefore, The Inky Jukebox would like you to place yourself 20 years into the future and imagine where each contestant is plying their trade.

Can Jacob’s performance still be considered legitimate if he sang half his song as a duet with a backing singer? His “Man in the Mirror” was gloriously camp, but though he hit his notes, perhaps they weren’t entirely the right ones: it demonstrated no growth except in the jiggle highlighted by the very white whiteness of his all-white suit.

• Jacob is busting out his hop-and-a-skip at a gay nightclub near you. Or not near you.

Haley took another piece of The Inky Jukebox’s soul when she spat in the face of Janis Joplin’s memory by having burned into our poor retinas the image of a red-lipsticked bouncy-haired Kewpie who imbued her delivery with as much veracity as someone who can smile like a clown on steroids while singing about her heart having been broken can. The Inky Jukebox’s heart is broken that she still has a stage to growl on.

• Haley can be found strutting her stuff next Friday at the Double-Dippers Karaoke Bar.

Who knew the unwieldy double bass was cool? Casey did, that’s who. In his hands it looks more like a dance partner light on her feet. His rendition of CCR’s “Have You Ever Seen The Rain” proved that he can sing anything and make it sound good. He could have done “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic” too but he was clearly persuaded away from it.

• Casey will see you during his office hours because he is now a Professor of Music with a large and dedicated student fan base.

Contrary to what Steven Tyler said, there was nothing natural about the woman Lauren is yet to become last night. Let’s start with the outfit. (Gwen Stefani WTF.) Check shorts over black tights? Did no-one tell you this makes your ass look ginormous, girl? And the hair? If you dress like a clown…. As for the performance, it seems the competition is swallowing her up. She gets tighter every week, more tentative, more nervous, and less sure of herself. This does not bode well for her eventual exit.

• Lauren only sings at home to her kids and horses. Sorry y’all.

The Inky Jukebox agreed with James when he said that this week was the perfect time to break out something different, and although his delivery wasn’t that unexpected, the actual weeping he did while singing about his guitar gently weeping was heartfelt. If you listen to the playback of this week’s performances at American Idol’s website (and we mean listen, not watch; just let your ears do the work), you’ll hear a gem. Boy did good.

• James is on tour opening for a slightly better band who has recently hit it big, but you can catch it at an amphitheater in your town.

Scotty picks Elvis! (shocker!) But “That’s Alright Mama” because he sang it OK. Scotty’s voice was made for radio, as his performances improve without the visuals. Unfortunately, this week did not help Scotty shed his unfortunate habit of hamming it up; he needs to let all that corn go and just sing rather than do impersonations.

• Scotty is headlining his own show in Branson, Missouri, pride of the Ozarks!

Pia thinks we were all expecting her to sing another ballad. No, Pia: everyone was expecting an up-tempo song because you announced what you were going to do last week. Duh. The strange thing is that her “River Deep, Mountain High” came across just like her ballads do: all eyes-closed, mouth-wide-open. Let’s face it: this is pageant hell, and someone in wardrobe (Gwen Stefani) has it out for these girls because her get-up was just hideous.

• Caribbean Cruise Lines Princess of the Sea presents Pia Toscano tonight at 9pm.

If you turn the volume off entirely when Stefano  is singing, you cannot tell which week it is. He looks exactly the same delivering any song. If you turn the volume back up (which we recommend against), you will hear someone screaming for something; in this case, the love of a woman. Still, it was mildly amusing to see Stefano willfully ignore the professional advice given to him through what The Inky Jukebox now suspects is sheer ignorance.

• Stefano will serenade you and your lovely date as you enjoy your tiramisu.

Paul went for broke when he pulled out his Cash – his Johnny Cash, that is. Not sure who is voting for him at this point, but as long as he stays in long enough to outlast Haley, we’re OK with it. His voice is a bit breathy for Folsom Prison, but he seemed to be having fun. (Uh-oh…)

• Paul is a regular at the Bluebird Café in Nashville. (Still.)

Bottom Three: Haley, Lauren, Paul. Going home: Haley. (Please God)