American Idol Winner: Angie Miller

Votes Versus Views

At the risk of making an entire season of American Idol irrelevant, The Inky Jukebox would like to offer at this early stage (and we waited until week two, because week one would have seemed a tad premature) news of the winner.

She’s Angie Miller, and the reason why she alone has demonstrated that the competition doesn’t really matter anymore is that she understands that “being in it to win it” means having a social media team on hand who can capitalize on your TV appearance(s) to promote your work elsewhere immediately.

Oh, and she’s also ridiculously good.

The Inky Jukebox would like to pretend that Angiemania started when the voting did, but really it began the minute the sudden death rounds aired, featuring Angie at the piano giving a rendition of a self-penned tune called “You Set Me Free.” The second she opened her mouth and sound came out our ears pricked up, and so did the judges, which we know because the cameraman captured their astonished reactions. Footage of this has since attracted over 2,760,000 views on YouTube.

The note she hits at 1:11 is the money note. Whatever note that is. Cha-chinggggg.

Anyone visiting Angie on YouTube will find a whole slew of professionally taped videos of her delivering popular songs (often in more interesting versions than the originals, though not necessarily her own interpretations), which by accident or design appeal directly to her core voting demographic. Covers of Taylor Swift, Demi Lovato, Bon Iver (via Bonnie Raitt), and even last year’s cutsie Philip Philips show that she has the chops to compete with the best of them.

Angie has what publicity peeps call “the total package,” in that she is pretty, confident, talented, and can sing and play with apparent comfort and ease. You cannot tell (gasp!) that she’s partly deaf. She’s already her own brand. She’s a little bit Taylor Swift, a little bit Sarah McLaughlan, a little bit Martina McBride.

It is for this reason that her post-Idol future is secure. The Inky Jukebox already wants to buy her album.

Votes…views. Honey badger don’t care ya’ll. Honey badger laughing all the way to the bank. 

American Idol Elevenses

Dem Boys, Dem Boys

It used to be that you needed to have survived the early rounds of voting to prove yourself worthy of singing in front of an actual audience on American Idol. Not no more. Right out of the starting gate these “kids” are given the full monty of a big spot lit stage complete with screaming fans whose hands they are encouraged to touch like seasoned superstars at real concerts, a full band, an orchestra if necessary, and standing ovations from the judges.

Luckily, this year’s crop of boys were mostly up to the challenge. Clearly the producers have shied away from one of the things that made Idol such a guilty pleasure —watching the abject failures strut their stuff, both during the auditions and in front of millions of viewers at home. Nowadays we only get the good singers it seems, even if some are more good than others.

This makes things easier for the judges, who only seem to want to say nice things. I miss Simon’s unsentimental calling out of less worthy performances. What would he have made of Adam Brock’s campy “Think” last night? He would have said something about it reminding him of one of those ghastly weddings / hotels / cruises / cabarets featuring some flamboyantly gay chef who thinks he’s somebody because some drunks applauded his efforts on Karaoke Night. And he would have been spot-on.

What a total lack of balls on the part of the judges means is that we, the audience, are free to make up our own minds who to vote for unswayed by any professional opinion whatsoever. This is a dangerous thing, for it leaves the tweens in charge. If it was about the music, the singing and sheer talent, we have some clear front runners from the lads after last night:

Reed Grimm, Joshua Ledet, Colton Dixon, Phillip Phillips and Chase Likens.

For entertainment value I’m hoping Heejun Han makes it through, but only because I miss his awesome playing to the camera during auditions. It seems that now it’s all gotten “real,” Heejun is taking himself a bit too seriously.

Did anyone think the surprise addition was going to be anyone other than Jermaine Jones after all that emotional turmoil last week? Seems like a sweet guy, but he doesn’t have a chance of actually winning — along with the forgettable Deandre Brackensick, Jeremy Rosado, Aaron Marcellus, Chase Likens and Eben Franckewitz.

The youngsters are right to be shy sharing a stage with Ledet, whose rendition of Jennifer Hudson’s “You Pulled Me Through” clearly blew the lid off and set everyone on notice that a star is in the house. Mind you, if you’ve got the pipes, that song is easy to shine on.

Not so Likens’s attempt at “Storm Warning,” which was utterly lackluster (Hunter Hayes can only just pull it off himself), or poor young Franckewitz’s woeful “Setting Fire To The Rain,” which someone should have steered him away from: it’s far too big a song for a boy with that thin and high a voice.  A backdrop of fire does not a barnburner make. Likens may claim he’s country but who in contemporary country is he basing this on?

Folks are predictably divided on Phillips’s “In The Air Tonight” but something about it turned what is a dark and predatory song into something startlingly sexy. The challenge for him is going to be in versatility, showing he can do more than be the coffee shop guitar dude. 

Beam Me Up Scotty!

And The Winner Is…

The Inky Jukebox is happy to report that even though we were mostly wrong with our American Idol predictions all season long, we wanted Scotty to take the prize from the beginning — and he did! He completely messed up the singing of the crap winner’s song in lieu of hugging everyone in the Nokia Theater and weeping, but that was OK because at least Lauren didn’t break down bawling with disappointment.

We are also pleased to see the finalists get a prize from Ford more in keeping with the 122 MILLION votes cast for the finale alone: not a lousy Focus, but ANY FORD THEY WANT! Damn straight!

One of these?....

Or one of these?...

There was an endless parade of guest superstars, but The Inky Jukebox shall focus on just four.

One of the best things about having to slog through an entire season of Idol is watching the top four actually get to sing with their idols: the adoration was palpable in James’s thrill in performing with Judas Priest, though we think the audience might have been a little lost. The same is true of Scotty’s duet with Tim McGraw (best physique in music) for the eponymous “Live Like You Were Dying,” one of the very best songs ever written.

The Inky Jukebox hopes the folks at home who inexplicably are not familiar with this monster hit liked it. Check it out.

Lauren’s pairing with former Idol winner Carrie Underwood for "Before He Cheats" was less fortunate; next to her, Lauren looked large in her black softpants and t-shirt and uncoordinated and not as good a singer. Carrie, on the other hand, reminded us of what a really talented winner looks and sounds like.

We hate to have to do this, but a mention needs to be made of the spectacularly camp and tasteless Gaga performance. Stuck up a mountain in that get-up? What was that half-nekkid dude doing? Has she jumped the shark or have we?

To close the tenth season, here are The Inky Jukebox’s list of winners for the night.

Best Legs

J-Lo

Pia Toscano

Carrie Underwood

Haley Reinhart

Carrie Underwood by a country mile and a tan

Best Wearing of Leather

Rob Halford

Pia Toscano

Lady Gaga

Scotty McCreery

Rob Halford, obviously

Best Imitation of Tony Bennett

Tom Jones

Marc Anthony

Stefano Langone

Tony Bennett

Tom Jones! Separated at birth!

Best Blonde

Beyonce

Carrie Underwood

Scotty and Lauren’s teachers

Lady Gaga

The teachers! They’ve won themselves a car! And Ryan said they were hot!

Best Fat Bottomed Girl

Lauren Alaina

Beyonce

J-Lo

That chick from TLC

That chick from TLC! That was some gravelly voice, girlfriend.

Best Disappearing Act

The Pips

Lady Gaga

Lisa Lopes

Scotty’s voice

RIP Left-Eye

Best Stomach

TLC’s Chili

Steven Tyler

That dude Gaga was faux-fucking

Spiderman

Chili! “Nice abs” — Ryan Seacrest

Best Trophy

ANY Ford vehicle!

That object Scotty got he gave to James

J-Lo

Beyonce

Carrie Underwood

Shall I go with a Mustang or a jacked F-350?

Worst Trophy

Jack Black?

Seriously?

No, seriously?

With Casey?

WTF.

Reuters

Ladies and Gentlemen, The Inky Jukebox is delighted to find that Pittsburgh will be one of next season’s try-out venues. The Inky Jukebox will not be auditioning, alas, but we will be reporting from the scene!

Everyone's A Winner!

Did They Make You Proud?

There can only be one reason why Ryan Seacrest broached the topic of Lauren’s shredded vocal chords on tonight’s American Idol: 1) there was a chance her voice would fail thus jeopardizing her chances of putting on a good show; 2) to hush the rumors that had been swirling all day (Haley will return to replace Lauren!); 3) it was a lowball attempt on behalf of the producers to handicap the show, because anything sounds good if you think the singer is overcoming some horrible injury.

The more eagle-eyed among you will have noticed that there were in fact three reasons listed above — this is because all three are valid and basically the same reason.

Why does any of this matter?

Because Lauren Alaina tore it up tonight, AT LAST. Girl was saving the good stuff for the end! She came out swinging on “Flat On The Floor,” hit Pam Tillis’s “Maybe It Was Memphis” out of the Nokia Theater (excellent choice, Carrie Underwood — it’s almost impossible to screw up that great song), and slayed the weepfest “Like My Mother Does” while actually hugging her Mom.

This is not to say that Scotty dropped the ball at all. His choice of the song Montgomery Gentry closes their show with, “Gone” will have been an enormously popular with his voters, and was an inspired selection, seeing that both he and Lauren are playing to the same country audience. To have chosen George Strait as his idol was smart thinking too; folks will respect that call-out to old-school country. His rendition of “Check Yes Or No” probably seemed very old-fashioned to a large portion of the viewers but it leant the 17 year-old some historical chutzpah. Sadly, the weakest performance of the night wasn’t due to Scotty’s lack of talent per se, but a lousy song: “Love You This Big” not only sounds rude to The Inky Jukebox but does not have a chorus that matches Scotty’s particular register or skills; he’s far better at the long slow deep drawl note than the high punch.

Both of these young people seemed remarkably composed (or was that the “medicine,” Lauren Alaina?). The Inky Jukebox is looking forward to seeing the extravaganza finale tomorrow night because Fox always brings out the big guns for it.

Who do we want to win? Either one will do just fine.

95 Million People Think This Is Country Music

American Idyll

The Inky Jukebox wonders whether American Idol has morphed into Nashville Star with tonight's announcement of the two country contestants, Scotty McCreery and Lauren Alaina making it to the finals? 

A staggering 95 million votes were cast — are that many people in the whole country? American Idol voting has its own biomagnification system whereby those who remain collect the votes of fans whose favorites go home. Either Haley's female fan base will collectively throw their weight behind Lauren, or Scotty's genuine appeal will steal them away (after all, if those voters were picking Haley, it means they were NOT voting for Lauren). 

The Inky Jukebox suspects that Scotty has been this season's vote leader all along, and we predict he will prevail next Wednesday. 

There are no losers at this stage. Still, it's a big win for country music whichever way you shake it. 

American Idol Final Three

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Scotty McCreery Shocker!

Top Three!

At the Top Three mark, American Idol sends its contestants home for a bit of hometown love. Future Nashville star (if not Idol winner) Scotty McCreery got the surprise of his life when performing for the crowd when his idol Josh Turner crept up behind him. (Check the 1:45 mark)

Sweet!

Final Four

Maybe I’m Amazed Too

All hell has broken loose at Idol while The Inky Jukebox has been out of the country! Scotty’s the only man left standing! Haley’s still there! Lauren’s still there! WTF!

So the final four duets featured two country songs, showing that Idol at last acknowledges that share of its audience. It doesn’t hurt that both Scotty and Lauren both fit that niche. 

The girls shared a Miranda Lambert classic, “Gunpowder and Lead” which The Inky Jukebox feels in completely inappropriate for Idol’s pre-teen audience. Yes, in a hypocritical spasm of prudery, we wonder what, exactly, the Idol producers want to share with their young female viewership. In this song, the protagonist downs a couple of six-packs and smokes cigarettes while waiting for her abusive ex to come home from jail whereupon she plans to blow him to smithereens with a shotgun. Your usual family fare, don’t you agree?

The girls massacred it, sadly, neither being fit to touch the hem of one of Miranda’s woeful red-carpet dresses.

The boys, on the other hand, got to share a song that was designed to be a duet — between Brad Paisley and Keith Urban, two serious guitar-slingers, and it’s much more age-appropriate. It suggests to young chaps that they pick up guitars and “Start a Band” to have fun and get girls. Hang on. OK, nevermind. 

The boys managed to destroy that one, too. 

Now that we're down to three, The Inky Jukebox has to call Scotty for the winner (because we, too will shoot ourselves with a shotgun if either of those girls win). 

American Idol Week 8: The Voice

Will We Still Love Them Tomorrow?

This week NBC launched their version of a singing contest that is a direct challenge to what has been a decade-long thrashing from Fox’s talent show juggernaut. In case anyone misses the point of the gauntlet that has been handily thrown down, it is called The Voice.

The challenge appears to be this: how can you have a singing contest on TV that is not based on looks? How can you have a singing contest in which participants are not judged?

Cee-Lo Green dressed down

The Voice gets around these problems with a complex and devious structure that pits the judges against one another, merely using the “contestants” as weapons in their battle to the death! It’s a three-round process. First, the judges must find eight people to be on their team (this is the “blind” part); then they will coach them to some kind of sing-off; then the audience at home gets to vote on something, but I’m not sure what. Either way, it’s a tasty panel of judges who are supposed to bring something different to the coaching table: Maroon 5’s Adam Levine (Pop EMO types?); Christina Aguilera (divas?); Blake Shelton (country singers?); and Cee-Lo Green (more gloriously fabulous divas?).

Christina wearing considerably less make-up and real hair, back in the day

These four are ensconced in high-back twirly chairs which are turned away from the singers. They have a big button they must hit to turn their chair around to see the singer and bid for a chance to have them on their team. The positioning of the chairs is such that the judges can see one another’s reactions at all times, whether the chairs are faced the same way or not. Hustling for team members is encouraged. Blake Shelton is clearly in his element and will gain enormously from the exposure he’s getting from being on a mainstream prime-time show. He’s the alpha male here and they all know it. I never really noticed how weird Cee-Lo’s body is before, possible because he’s always swathed in some outrageous costume. Tiny arms! Adam Levine comes across like a whiny boy, and his comment about hearing the Rascal Flatts song “Bless The Broken Road” — “I’ve never heard that song, but I'm pretty sure no one could sing it as well as you just did” will not have gone down well with the legion of country fans watching courtesy of the big man. (Uh...Gary Le Vox?)

Christina Aguilera is a yappy mother hen with a giant weave that looks like someone flat-ironed one of Marie Antoinette’s more elaborate coiffures and set it upon her miniature head. Then added a good dose of red lippy to complete the Streetwalker look.

Oh what the heck: I'll let them explain it.

This is a show that looks about as staged as a prime-time show can possibly be, but it is entertaining. Which brings us to last night’s American Idol — where everyone had to sing Carole King songs. Girlfriend wrote a shitload of songs.

Here’s a run-down. Now that we’ve reached the last six contestants, let’s also look at who’s in it to win it.

Jacob appeared wearing a very loud suit because now that Paul has left, who else is going to? There is no way Jacob can win, it’s just a case of when he will be leaving, and The Inky Jukebox predicts: TODAY.

Lauren did NOT overcome her performance fear—the backing singers carried her load. She also did not overcome her wardrobe, which has become as predictable as her delivery: earrings the size of satellite receivers paired with a short skirt dress with boots. She, too, has no chance of winning, and hasn’t really been a contender for a long time now. She’s just too young and inexperienced, despite the alleged power of her voice.

Scotty gave his best performance so far, taking it slow, and at last! holding his microphone in one hand. Did you see how he managed that, though? He has clearly been instructed to keep his other hand on his thigh, and the pressure forced all sorts of hokey twitches and looks to come over his face. Scotty’s a top four guy who can sing; he just needs to show some versatility and lose his bad habits.

James truly IS in it to win it, and might yet. The opening bars to his song were fantastic, and he is confident enough as a performer to push his own envelope each and every time. James has big sticky-out ears. The lighting shows them to great advantage; he does not need the earring as a distraction. Ditch it, James.

Casey has been in it to win it from the get-go, and looks like he works hard at it. He delivered another unique performance that cleverly showed him tinkling the ivories with one hand while singing. I’m not sure if he heard Randy’s parting comment about stopping the growling, but I hope so. Casey: NO MORE Grrrowling or Mmmphs!

Haley is as annoying as ever and also has no chance of winning, and cannot get rid of her bad performance habits either. Every song sounds the same, and is accompanied by identical arm swings and head tosses and much-too-short dresses. Wear some pants.

This was also duets week (when hasn’t it been?) so we got to see the same old pairs team up YET AGAIN. Since the producers are clearly enamored of putting actual lovers together, this made for some awkward teamwork. Casey and Haley’s bit actually worked because he makes her better; each is out to best the other and thus raise the bar. Scotty and Lauren denied that anything is going on, so after a highly suggestive interview, they sat (again!) and sang awkwardly. Heck, these kids are only teenagers; of course they are going to be mortified that their dating life is broadcast to all and sundry!  This left James and Jacob, who obviously were not thrilled, and though they gave it their all, it was a mismatched duo, and really: Jacob Lusk singing about going on a date with a girl?

Here’s an idea: pair different folks up! The Inky Jukebox would liked to have seen Casey and Jacob, Haley and Scotty and Lauren and James, for example.

Better yet — let’s pair them with The Voice’s coaches!

• Jacob needs Adam to iron out the glorious wailing.

• Lauren needs Christina to kick her in the ass and show her how to be a child star and loosen the fuck up on stage.

• Scotty needs Cee-Lo to give him some crazy-ass soul funk.

• James needs Blake to make the transition from young singing buck to serious heartthrob who can deliver ballads.

• Casey needs Christina to show him how to tame the growl.

• Haley needs Blake to calm her down and smack the silly out of her when she goes all pageant on his ass (note we did not say “smack her silly”).

Bottom Three: Jacob, Lauren and Scotty. Going home? Jacob.

American Idol Week 7

Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Fire!

Last night, the Idol contestants were allowed to play up each other’s most distinctive feature. On cue (on script?) they all agreed upon traits we are all familiar with. Scotty holds his mic funny! Stefano is a flirt! Lauren talks to much! James shrieks! Jacob’s a diva! Haley is profoundly annoying! Casey’s a funny genius!

What none of them said was the obvious, and what tonight’s show amply demonstrated: Casey’s real outstanding feature is the size of his cajones. If it’s his beard you’re looking at for evidence of his chutzpah, you’re aiming way too high.

Not only does he go with off-genre songs at big moments and play every instrument known to man, but he isn’t afraid to stand up for doing it his way. (TIP: At the earliest opportunity, or the finale--your choice--sing “My Way.”)

Here is what was great about his performance of Maroon 5’s “Harder to Breathe”: It was unlike anything we’ve seen him do so far, demonstrating his versatility; but he didn’t just sing a different song; he inhabited a different performance. He strutted about the stage flinging the lyrics into the audience as the song demands. It was a loud, brash song. But then, once he had the entire audience – in the theater and at home – in his hands, he shrunk the whole thing down to the two magical inches between his face and Jennifer Lopez’s cheek. The vocal he delivered to her, and her alone, was a beautiful piece of singing and dramatic tension; being able to balance those two is what real showmanship is made of. Leaning in to kiss her was a daring and completely appropriate thing to do: if he was doing this at a concert, that is what he would do.

He has earned the right to be able to break the wall because he is a wrecking ball of talent.

As for the rest:

James might have sung a Muse song, "Uprising" (brilliant choice!!) but stayed true to his roots by channeling Rob Halford’s wardrobe to do it. Say what you will of him, he knows who to copy.

As far as The Inky Jukebox is concerned, everyone else flubbed( but flubbed well).

Scotty wasted a precious opportunity to sing a song that told us nothing new about what he could do at all. In a week in which any genre was up for grabs, he should have opted for something unexpected. After the spoof section about how he holds his mic, he didn’t take the hint and played it up, which only made him look like a clown. Dude can sing, but he’s rowing a very narrow boat.

Haley took on a song that is in current release on a Number One album. I don’t blame her for singing an Adele song, but she growled and gawped her way through it in a red polka dot dress and threw in a pageanty wail at the end that I’m sure would have made Adele cough with horror on her cigarette if she’d been watching. "Rolling in the Deep", indeed. 

Lauren sang a Sara Evans song badly and looks like a 50 year-old woman who has spent too much time at the salon – in the tanning bed and having her streaks did. Oh, and the denim tutu? WTF?

Jacob has audio problems he should not have admitted to on camera; while it was clear to the theater audience that the band struck up the wrong track, causing his to pause and remove his ear monitor, it looked to the TV audience that he was overcome with emotion, and overcame it. That’s a good thing.

Stefano did whatever it is that Stefano does. I can’t recall.

Bottom Three: Lauren, Jacob, Stefano. Going home: Lauren. She looks all done. 

American Idol Week 6

 I Shot The Sheriff! 

(But I didn't shoot my integrity)

It’s a revolution, people! Someone blinked tonight on American Idol, and it wasn’t any of the contestants: it was the professionals, Jimmy Iovine and Will.i.am. OK, sure, James made us suck in our breath in a giant, slow-motion “Oooohhhh fuuuuccckkkkk” when he got all up in their faces, and sure, he was dead wrong when he remarked that you can’t know a hit song when it’s heard for the first time at a piano (????), but now we have something truly interesting: the stars of the show (James, Casey, Scotty) ALL rejected the advice and went with their guts: and ALL of them knocked it out of the park by doing so.

Let’s back up a bit and evaluate the “help” they are getting and compare it with The Inky Jukebox’s primo suggestions. Why is our favorite Vulcan up here? Read on to find out why. 

Paul gives the same crazy-ass nitrous oxide tornado of a performance he always has. “Old Time Rock and Roll” is the most repetitive lyric there has ever been. It is not a showcase for your amazing vocal skills. The only thing he’s changing up is the color of his Nudie suit. The man is an enigma.

• The Inky Jukebox says: Paul is not a mammal; he’s a mollusk; all gooey inside a sparkly shell. It doesn’t matter what he “sings” since his duds do all his talking for him. Ride the wave, dude. New suit every week.

This is NOT Lauren Alaina. It's Miley Cyrus showing how it's done. 

Lauren opts to sing Miley Cyrus’s “The Climb,” a massive anthem that she is warned HAS to be sung better than the original. Jimmy and Will are confident she’s got it wrapped up. But then Lauren totters out and delivers the most underwhelming version of this song I have ever heard. She stood rooted to the spot (again) and took big breaths when she should have simply risked puking in order to get the note. The actual Miley Cyrus is sitting in a bar somewhere laughing her ass off.

• The Inky Jukebox says: you’re a blonde country girl on Idol. Watch what Carrie Underwood did and copy her. Specifically, rip off the way she strutted her stuff as if she’d already won all over the stage as if she was a sexybitch matador and the crowd were an arena full of bulls. Stop singing to the camera as if it’s a mirror.

Stefano dresses down and gives his best performance yet: Randy was right on this one. He’s singing like he’s got nothing to lose, which is a good thing. He delivered the passion and physical expression that has been sorely lacking.

• The Inky Jukebox says: Jeans? Fine. White sneakers with oversize tongues, not so much.

Here is why Scotty should NOT have sung Harry Nilsson’s “Everybody’s Talkin’”: 1) it’s slow as molasses; 2) it’s the theme song from an X-rated movie (has anyone voting for him actually seen Midnight Cowboy?); and 3) this is a song that, great as it is, was covered by Spock. (Look up Leonard Nimoy’s version, y’all.) So even though the song Scotty went with was a bit dull, he made a good, wise choice. I would hazard that 100% of his voting audience know and love the movie Pure Country because it’s a required text in Country 101. Aligning himself with the young (hot) George Strait ain’t never gonna hurt him, either.

• The Inky Jukebox says: we like the chutzpah Scotty has showed in standing up to the judges the last few weeks; it gives him some credibility. BUT Scotty MUST STOP holding the microphone like a cock. The double-handed splayed finger off-to-one-side grip reeks of the kind of olde-time variety-shows of the 1970s that are as dated as wide-collar polyester jumpsuits and bouffant hair. Grip it like a man, Scotty! Would George Strait hold a mic like that? HELL NO.

This was a big week for Casey; with the furor over Pia’s exit and everyone saying the save should not have been used on him, he needed to prove more than ever why it was the RIGHT thing to do. And Oh Boy, he did. His slapdown of the profoundly inane, short-sighted (and possibly malicious) suggestion  from Iovine et al. that he sing Phil Collins's “In The Air Tonight” in favor of his original and clearly passionate choice, Nat King Cole’s classic “Nature Boy” was, as Randy rightly pointed out in his effusive praise, “Pure genius.” Here’s why: Could Casey sing the Phil Collins tune? Sure; he can sing anything. But that would have been capitulating to THE MAN, and Casey’s whole niche is that he won’t compromise his art for THE MAN, even if he finds himself on this ridiculous TV show. By sticking to “Nature Boy,” and doing it his way, all scatty double-bass, he accomplished something truly unique and memorable on this show, brought some untarnished artistic merit to a stage filled with dross (Haley), and created the much-lauded MOMENT. He’s right: Esperanza just won a Grammy. That mention was also genius. In his post-performance comment, he was again shaking, only this time it was in recognition that he has just made himself a big fat career. The whole thing threw gobs of egg on Iovine’s face, so it will be interesting to see how that goes down.

• The Inky Jukebox says: Keep on keeping on. He gets our vote.

Haley: do not, under any circumstances, “Call Me.” Words are inadequate to describe how abysmal this performance was, but we’ll try. Haley dresses like she’s trying out for the talent show at her high school, thinking that if she wears a mini-dress and thigh-high boots she will give the judges stiffies and they will ignore her amateur-hour hand sweeping (do the regal wave!), hair shaking (even Taylor Swift bangs her head on stage like Angus), and incessant growling (not sexy!). The judges were rightly cool, but none had the guts to point out her bum notes (listen to that first one!) or her appalling "foreign" lyrics. Also, the red lipstick has to go.

• The Inky Jukebox says: Much as we loathe the idea of Haley “entertaining” us another week, we suggest that instead of pulling out a made-for-karaoke copycat version of whatever song you pick, change it up completely: if you’d only slowed “Call Me” down to a torch song, say, you too could have had a Moment.

Jacob looked completely miserable, didn’t he? We think he will suffer form not having joined his peers and stood up to the Interscope Brass, even if his “Bridge Over Troubled Water” was delivered well. In this week’s scheme of things, mere competence was not enough. He was properly dragged over the coals for his lunatic remarks made last week, which will still come back to haunt him.

• The Inky Jukebox says: Jenny Craig it, Jacob.

Oh James, you big-eared teddy bear, you. Thank you for making us shout “Give metal a chance” on a night when we also thanked the TV gods for jazz. WTF. James, like Casey and Scotty, is a front-runner because he is true to himself and has the balls to throw all caution to the wind in order to preserve his individuality and dignity in the face of Jimmy Iovine’s disapproving scowl. He tore up the theater with a very smart and timely return to the kind of rock we know he can deliver, and the producers were smart too in looking like they backed his renegade decision by providing him with the awesome Zakk Wylde on guitar. Shredding ensued.

• The Inky Jukebox says: yes! Bring the metal! But James, do not bring the Sammy Hagar schmaltz. Bring the AC/DC, the Maiden, the Rainbow, the DIO, the Sabbath, the Motorhead.

All in all, a refreshing week. Who’ll go home? In keeping with The Inky Jukebox’s incredibly prescient predictions so far (not) we’ll say:

Bottom Three: Haley, Jacob, Lauren. Going Home? Jacob.

American Idol Week 5 Result!

Cry, Cry Baby: Pia’s Exit

Is The Inky Jukebox the only sentient being NOT wringing its hands and gnashing its teeth in lament that Pia got sent home? The only surprise of the evening was that her name was called instead of Stefano’s.

So here’s a little reality check.

Sure, Pia could sing; that is, she could hit the right notes and remember the lyrics and whatnot. And sure, she didn’t hurt to look at; she looked the part of what you imagine an American Idol would be.

But Pia was also as dull as mud, could only do one kind of song, showed no imagination or musical creativity, and was insecure; she kept promising the folks at home that next week she’d try harder, do better, show more emotion, break out of the mold, surprise us…and never did.

I suspect that people are shocked she was voted off because of who remains: she went before Haley? Stefano? Paul? This is a popularity contest, NOT a singing contest. And Pia was the sort of girl other girls hate.

The Inky Jukebox does wonder what Casey feels about all of this, however. Clearly the judges would have saved Pia and he must feel like he robbed her of that chance. His stress must be through the roof right now.

The Inky Jukebox likes it when there is a surprise exit on American Idol; it reminds folks that they have to vote to retain their favorites, and heightens the possibility Ryan’s fake-outs.

Will Pia have a future in music after this? The odds are against it. Those contestants who have gone on to remain in the business have done so mainly in two ways: 1) become a country singer; and 2) do Broadway.

Carrie Underwood, Kellie Pickler, Bo Bice, Danny Gokey, Bucky Covington, (and to a lesser extent) Josh Gracin, Kristy Lee Cook, and Phil Stacey have all done well in country. Chris Sligh has done very well as a writer for country stars. Kelly Clarkson’s most recent number one hit was singing on a country song.

Clay Aiken, Fantasia, Frenchie, Justin Guarini, Tamyra Gray, Constantine Maroulis, and others have all done well on Broadway.

Chris Daughtry is an exception, but then, he fronts a band. Adam Lambert has cornered the Glamazon market. 

American Idol Week 5

Coming to a Famous Hall Near You…

Since it is clear that all of this year’s finalists can sing (for better or worse), it behooves us to consider other aspects of their worthiness for the hallowed American Idol crown. Therefore, The Inky Jukebox would like you to place yourself 20 years into the future and imagine where each contestant is plying their trade.

Can Jacob’s performance still be considered legitimate if he sang half his song as a duet with a backing singer? His “Man in the Mirror” was gloriously camp, but though he hit his notes, perhaps they weren’t entirely the right ones: it demonstrated no growth except in the jiggle highlighted by the very white whiteness of his all-white suit.

• Jacob is busting out his hop-and-a-skip at a gay nightclub near you. Or not near you.

Haley took another piece of The Inky Jukebox’s soul when she spat in the face of Janis Joplin’s memory by having burned into our poor retinas the image of a red-lipsticked bouncy-haired Kewpie who imbued her delivery with as much veracity as someone who can smile like a clown on steroids while singing about her heart having been broken can. The Inky Jukebox’s heart is broken that she still has a stage to growl on.

• Haley can be found strutting her stuff next Friday at the Double-Dippers Karaoke Bar.

Who knew the unwieldy double bass was cool? Casey did, that’s who. In his hands it looks more like a dance partner light on her feet. His rendition of CCR’s “Have You Ever Seen The Rain” proved that he can sing anything and make it sound good. He could have done “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic” too but he was clearly persuaded away from it.

• Casey will see you during his office hours because he is now a Professor of Music with a large and dedicated student fan base.

Contrary to what Steven Tyler said, there was nothing natural about the woman Lauren is yet to become last night. Let’s start with the outfit. (Gwen Stefani WTF.) Check shorts over black tights? Did no-one tell you this makes your ass look ginormous, girl? And the hair? If you dress like a clown…. As for the performance, it seems the competition is swallowing her up. She gets tighter every week, more tentative, more nervous, and less sure of herself. This does not bode well for her eventual exit.

• Lauren only sings at home to her kids and horses. Sorry y’all.

The Inky Jukebox agreed with James when he said that this week was the perfect time to break out something different, and although his delivery wasn’t that unexpected, the actual weeping he did while singing about his guitar gently weeping was heartfelt. If you listen to the playback of this week’s performances at American Idol’s website (and we mean listen, not watch; just let your ears do the work), you’ll hear a gem. Boy did good.

• James is on tour opening for a slightly better band who has recently hit it big, but you can catch it at an amphitheater in your town.

Scotty picks Elvis! (shocker!) But “That’s Alright Mama” because he sang it OK. Scotty’s voice was made for radio, as his performances improve without the visuals. Unfortunately, this week did not help Scotty shed his unfortunate habit of hamming it up; he needs to let all that corn go and just sing rather than do impersonations.

• Scotty is headlining his own show in Branson, Missouri, pride of the Ozarks!

Pia thinks we were all expecting her to sing another ballad. No, Pia: everyone was expecting an up-tempo song because you announced what you were going to do last week. Duh. The strange thing is that her “River Deep, Mountain High” came across just like her ballads do: all eyes-closed, mouth-wide-open. Let’s face it: this is pageant hell, and someone in wardrobe (Gwen Stefani) has it out for these girls because her get-up was just hideous.

• Caribbean Cruise Lines Princess of the Sea presents Pia Toscano tonight at 9pm.

If you turn the volume off entirely when Stefano  is singing, you cannot tell which week it is. He looks exactly the same delivering any song. If you turn the volume back up (which we recommend against), you will hear someone screaming for something; in this case, the love of a woman. Still, it was mildly amusing to see Stefano willfully ignore the professional advice given to him through what The Inky Jukebox now suspects is sheer ignorance.

• Stefano will serenade you and your lovely date as you enjoy your tiramisu.

Paul went for broke when he pulled out his Cash – his Johnny Cash, that is. Not sure who is voting for him at this point, but as long as he stays in long enough to outlast Haley, we’re OK with it. His voice is a bit breathy for Folsom Prison, but he seemed to be having fun. (Uh-oh…)

• Paul is a regular at the Bluebird Café in Nashville. (Still.)

Bottom Three: Haley, Lauren, Paul. Going home: Haley. (Please God)

American Idol Week Four

Captain Fantastic!

The difference between an amateur and a professional is that one is aware they are on a stage, performing for an audience—and the other isn’t. The pro is the latter one. Why? Because they lose the self consciousness that roots them to the spot and makes them consider all of their arm movements. A pro inhabits the song to the extent that it seems to the audience they aren’t there; that you are watching someone getting lost in a song with the sneaky sensation you are a mere fly on the wall sneaking a secret peek. Case in point: I don’t have to even give you one because in your heart of hearts, you know what I say is true. Part of your brain right now at this minute is replaying such a performance while your eyes read this.

It is this specific thing that the American Idol judges are referring to every damn week when they provide constructive criticism to Stefano and Pia, who can sing, sure, but they cannot yet perform. And no, Stefano’s demonstrative angsty waggling is not what I’m talking about here. Those are moves designed for the the-at-er. Stefano needs to take a look at Tony Bennett and learn something about killing it softly from the master.

I’m wondering how long the judges can keep telling Pia the same thing every week and having her ignore it. When Jennifer said she’s looking for her to stamp her foot, THAT’S what I’ma mean, y’all. Pia looks and feels like she’s been screwed to the spot by magic pageant sparkles driven through her feet and in the real cutthroat world of music that don’t cut it. She needs to lose it like Mary J. Blige. Someone tell this girl about YouTube, yeah?

James on the other hand needs to check out this dude named Sinatra and dare himself to deliver a song like that: no screaming, even when we think he will shred his cords at any moment. Lighting a red piano on fire for Elton John week—I get it—but y’know, BIG YAWN.

The judges hated Naima’s reggae but I liked it: it didn’t sound bad; it was new; and it helped that I was in the kitchen while she sang it. The fake Jamaican accent she put on for the shout-out though: yeah, that’d get you beaten up in Brixton, girlfriend.

Thia needs to let a little imperfection and risk in: she’s so impossibly perfect each week that all the humanity is bleached out. And she needs to wear pants instead of short skirts. And she needs to ignore the camera.

I think that at this point Paul is just laughing his bony bespangled ass off that he’s still there. He hasn’t a hope in hell of winning, but he’s not bad. It would help if he enunciated the words. The Inky Jukebox loves his Nudie suit and is happy for him to stay as long as he busts it (or one like it) out every week (it cost $4,500).

Lauren, bless her, sang earnestly but for some reason looked terrified. The black sparkly dress has to go, as does the downhome look. Dress her in a suit and pull her hair back.

Scotty could be a black horse here: boy can sing, and his last low note was resonant and delivered like a pro.

The Inky Jukebox is delighted and gratified to see that Casey took our advice and toned it way down this time. (OK, I know, I know: EVERYONE ELSE said the same thing.) One thing I (we?) love about this guy is that he’s very natural on camera; his behind-the-scenes stuff feels very at ease. This is a good sign.

Jacob has pipes. I wonder that he doesn’t use them to chew the stage up with them though. Power is nice, but gently, gently.

Haley’s delivery of Bennie and the Jets was 95% growling and 4% falsetto and 1% hisssssssss. This does not an Elton John song make.

Randy claimed that Elton John is one of the best songwriters ever, but he isn’t: Bernie Taupin is. Thank goodness someone told him he had to rectify that before the end of the show.

Bottom Three: Lauren, Stefano, Thia. Going home? Stefano and Thia.