Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Beam Me Up Scotty!

And The Winner Is…

The Inky Jukebox is happy to report that even though we were mostly wrong with our American Idol predictions all season long, we wanted Scotty to take the prize from the beginning — and he did! He completely messed up the singing of the crap winner’s song in lieu of hugging everyone in the Nokia Theater and weeping, but that was OK because at least Lauren didn’t break down bawling with disappointment.

We are also pleased to see the finalists get a prize from Ford more in keeping with the 122 MILLION votes cast for the finale alone: not a lousy Focus, but ANY FORD THEY WANT! Damn straight!

One of these?....

Or one of these?...

There was an endless parade of guest superstars, but The Inky Jukebox shall focus on just four.

One of the best things about having to slog through an entire season of Idol is watching the top four actually get to sing with their idols: the adoration was palpable in James’s thrill in performing with Judas Priest, though we think the audience might have been a little lost. The same is true of Scotty’s duet with Tim McGraw (best physique in music) for the eponymous “Live Like You Were Dying,” one of the very best songs ever written.

The Inky Jukebox hopes the folks at home who inexplicably are not familiar with this monster hit liked it. Check it out.

Lauren’s pairing with former Idol winner Carrie Underwood for "Before He Cheats" was less fortunate; next to her, Lauren looked large in her black softpants and t-shirt and uncoordinated and not as good a singer. Carrie, on the other hand, reminded us of what a really talented winner looks and sounds like.

We hate to have to do this, but a mention needs to be made of the spectacularly camp and tasteless Gaga performance. Stuck up a mountain in that get-up? What was that half-nekkid dude doing? Has she jumped the shark or have we?

To close the tenth season, here are The Inky Jukebox’s list of winners for the night.

Best Legs

Pia Toscano
Carrie Underwood
Haley Reinhart

Carrie Underwood by a country mile and a tan

Best Wearing of Leather

Rob Halford
Pia Toscano
Lady Gaga
Scotty McCreery

Rob Halford, obviously

Best Imitation of Tony Bennett

Tom Jones
Marc Anthony
Stefano Langone
Tony Bennett

Tom Jones! Separated at birth!

Best Blonde

Carrie Underwood
Scotty and Lauren’s teachers
Lady Gaga

The teachers! They’ve won themselves a car! And Ryan said they were hot!

Best Fat Bottomed Girl

Lauren Alaina
That chick from TLC

That chick from TLC! That was some gravelly voice, girlfriend.

Best Disappearing Act

The Pips
Lady Gaga
Lisa Lopes
Scotty’s voice

Best Stomach

TLC’s Chili
Steven Tyler
That dude Gaga was faux-fucking

Chili! “Nice abs” — Ryan Seacrest

Best Trophy

ANY Ford vehicle!
That object Scotty got he gave to James
Carrie Underwood

Shall I go with a Mustang or a jacked F-350?

Worst Trophy

Jack Black?
No, seriously?
With Casey?



Ladies and Gentlemen, The Inky Jukebox is delighted to find that Pittsburgh will be one of next season’s try-out venues. The Inky Jukebox will not be auditioning, alas, but we will be reporting from the scene!

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